List of Boring Adult Things I Do

 
 

Complete minor safety recall services on my car in a timely fashion
Make mental notes about tax deductibles
Rinse out ziploc bags, turn them inside out, and line them up neatly to dry for re-use
Talk about the importance of self-care at parties
Set up automatic renewal of checks from my bank
Use checks at all
Research the glycemic index
Collect names for children even after deciding not to have any
Pay for digital media because it’s easier than stealing it
Become aware of hormonal decision-making
Keep several plants in every room and secretly feel this makes me superior
Prioritize early mornings over late nights
Spend $70 on a trash can that looks nicer in my kitchen and enjoy many compliments
Consider how much more I like myself now than I did when I was younger
Become a Sustaining Member
Go days without engaging entire muscle groups and suffer the consequences
Nearly fully grasp global geopolitical events and make efforts to weave this into conversation
Spend a lot of money on skincare
Get drunk at 4 and go to bed at 8
Find hope and joy in the routine nature of everyday successes
Feel guilty about my lipid panel
Feel guilty about everything
Buy comfortable, unnattractive bras
Choke on the preciousness of life while watching children play in a fountain
Keep track of dry spells from sex and liquor and dairy products
Come to feel ambivalent about physical flaws and wonder if this is maturity or simply giving up
Listen to podcasts for nine hours straight and consider this a triumph
Realize with some panic that middle age is now closer than my college years
Abhor and scold my superficiality
Speak from experience more often than from imagination
Sulk in the chasm between my Self and my Imagined Being
Keep a reliable supply of benzodiazepine
Find trashy reality TV suddenly unpalatable and wonder if this is maturity or arrogance
Deeply fear that my skills and charms are merely figments of delusional self-preservation
Love people enough to self-destruct in their interest
Cry hysterically while driving because it is the only space I am assured to be alone
Resonate so deeply with art, and music, and prose as to be left quivering and stupefied
Find the pain of nostalgia unmanageable and disassociate to cope
Come to accept that I’ll never be as great as I thought I’d be when I was a little girl
Redefine greatness and know this is wisdom
See the future and consider it mine
 

Words by: Adria Kloke
Illustration by: Graham Hart